Leave Alec Baldwin Alone!

When is an essay an authentic personal expression and when is it arrogant masturbatory narcissism?  The answer, of course, is completely subjective, and primarily determined by how you choose to read it.  One of my favorite lines in A Course In Miracles is, "Projection makes perception," meaning that your judgment about others will be filtered by what you love or fear in yourself.  The response to Alec Baldwin's eloquent and rhapsodic essay on Vulture.com is a prolific example of how projection makes perception, and how people will judge him by whatever they disdain or adore in themselves. 

I, for one, find Mr. Baldwin's statements to be ballsy, brave, and the quintessential essence of the New York attitude that I find so stimulating, and from which he sadly finds himself removed.  Many on social media are perceiving him as spoiled, entitled, and whiny.  I see him as an inspiration who deserves to be left alone, and enjoy some well-earned peace.  So for those who are angered or annoyed with his online rantings, here is why I maintain Alec Baldwin is still kick-ass cool:

1.  He calls it like he sees it.   One of the things I find so refreshing about New York, compared to living in California, is how direct and clear people can be.  Instead of smiling at you and then stabbing you in the back, people in New York are more likely to say things directly to your face.  It can make for some awkward moments, but New York is a better place because of the diversity of vernaculars, attitudes, expressions, and reactions.  Baldwin's unpopular verbiage is part of a larger cultural context of New Yorkers who sometimes speak first, apologize later.  I, for one, don't want to see that leave. 

2. His actions speak louder than words.  Okay, so he doesn't use the exact "language" that people find appropriate.   But people who use "politically correct" language are equally capable of exacting hatred and vitriol against minority groups.  What I look for is someone's actions to tell me the kind of person they are.  And Baldwin's history of donating millions of dollars to HIV organizations, animal-rights groups, homeless organizations, and New York theater arts programs, tell me a lot more about a person's integrity than a "toxic little queen" slip. 

3. He protects his family.  Every one of his outbursts in recent years have been in the context of his wife and/or child being threatened and endangered by media encroaching in their personal space.  Baldwin knows he's not perfect, he knows he's not always clean.  But he does love his family and will rise to the role of defensive Papa Bear any time someone messes with them.  That, in and of itself, makes him cool.

4. He has vague spiritual breakthroughs.  When Baldwin writes, "This is happening for a reason," it suggests he's on the cusp of a greater understanding of the laws of cause and effect.  The fundamental premise in this model is that outer events and patterns reflects what we think and believe in our minds.  If you are continually getting into fights, arguments, and provocations with others, than you are playing an active role in co-creating those events.  The uncomfortable "shift" Baldwin describes is often the breakthrough people have prior to taking full responsibility for their lives and then experiencing greater levels of serenity and happiness.

5. He seeks to express appreciation and positivity.  In a world where "entertainment" and "reality" are continuously becoming blurred, Baldwin sought to do an MSNBC show that focused on resiliency, intelligence, and "appreciation."  He wanted to interview Debra Winger!  For those too young to remember, Winger is the eternal symbol of the quintessential 1980s Hollywood "fuckable" star, who was completely dismissed from viable film roles after turning forty.  For Baldwin to call upon Winger for an interview means he is interested in bucking the system, examining Hollywood misogyny in a critical light, and spotlighting resilience and wasted talent.  It would have been easier for him to just agree to interview the Rob Lowes of the world, but he fought for Winger instead.  And lost.

I'm not saying that Alec Baldwin is some kind of saint that we are all going to pedestalize.  I just think that our society benefits from these untethered and authentic expressions.  They are becoming increasingly uncommon in a media that prefers cutesy soundbites to intelligent thoughts.  And they give us an opportunity to gain a greater depth of understanding of ourselves, based on what we project onto outspoken individuals.  For that I'm grateful to Baldwin, and hope his absence is as permanent as one of Cher's Farewell Tours.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com 

Blurred Lines: How To Keep Your Marriage On Track

When couples separate, it inevitably sends onlookers into a speculative frenzy.  "Why is this happening," they wonder, as they re-examine all the public photos looking for clues that something sinister was amiss.  In the case of celebrity marriages, people are particularly likely to "blur lines" and engage in looking back at the relationship to find early signs of failure, cracks in the foundation, and glimpses of doom.

Such is the case today with the announcement of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton separating after nine years of marriage.  The news has spread like wildfire, and already social media is lit up with ideas, theories, and speculations for why this is happening.  Instead of playing detective to find out if someone "cheated," you can use this example to gain insight as to how to make your own relationship structure stronger.  In two decades of working with couples I have found these five "pillars" to be fundamental in maintaining any relationship:

Integrity - Do you actions reflect your stated values?  In the case of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, a lot has changed since they married in 2005.  "Blurred Lines" became the top selling song of 2013,  and with that level of popularity and attention often comes a shift in lifestyle and priorities.  If your values toward monogamy, money, or child rearing change, but you fail to communicate those changes with a partner, then it can lead to violation of integrity, and a destruction of trust.

Communication - Are you effectively sharing your thoughts, feelings, beliefs with your primary partner in a way that he or she can understand?  Changes in lifestyle and priorities do not have to decimate trust if those changes are communicated effectively.  But if someone thinks, "I shouldn't have to tell my spouse what I'm feeling," or, "I'm scared of telling my spouse my values are changing," then they are setting up the relationship wrecking ball.

Compassion - Can you acknowledge humanity in your spouse, and then do no intentional harm toward them?  Breaking agreements in relationships is a direct way to inflict pain on another person, and can often result in long-term couples choosing to split.  Part of compassion means that you have moments of presence - i.e., focused, non-distracted time-frames where work, phones, TVs, and computers are shut off.  When a couple stops acting with compassion and gratitude toward one another, they create more possibility for distance, alienation, and separation.

Responsibility - Are you taking responsibility for your emotional wellness?  Or do you blame others when you are angry or upset?  It is considered natural in our culture to assign blame every time someone experiences emotional pain.  However, each and every one of us is 100% responsible for our own affective experience.  You may choose to assume that responsibility by not staying with a partner who demonstrates a lack of integrity, communication, and compassion.  But even then, you are still the one in control.  When people blame their spouse for "making" them feel something, it leads to resentment, strife, tension, and ultimately into the bank accounts of couple therapists and divorce lawyers. 

Compromise - Do you and your spouse create agreements and negotiations that are balanced, creative, humane, and ultimately advantageous?  The art and skill of compromise is a rare talent in this culture, and sadly seems to becoming more scarce.  We've seen the failure of negotiations in Politics worldwide, and we the same holds true in marriages.  If two people are not able or willing to compromise with integrity, communication, compassion, and responsibility, then the relationship will ultimately crumble under stress.  My book, "Rational Relating" offers an easy-to-follow framework for creating loving and lasting compromises. 

These five "pillars," all need reinforcing over time in any stable relationship.  When couples neglect these tools it often leads to changes in the relationship, and a separation after nine years of marriage.  You can look at Robin Thicke and Paula Patton and think, "How did this happen to them"? Or, you can learn from this couple and consider, "How can I prevent this from happening to us"? 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

9 Rational Tips For A Happy Relationship

Who doesn't crave a more satisfying and pleasure-filled relationship?  It's easier than you think!  These 9 tips have proven valuable in creating and sustaining fun and joyful connections.

1. Recall Initial Desire - Remember that first moment you saw your partner and felt how much you wanted him or her? Sure, babies and bills can often weaker sexual hunger.  But it is also possible, and I'd say essential, in long-term relationships to actively and consciously return to that initial perception of your partner as hot.  Sometimes all it takes is a focused memory,  though others sometimes have that desire rekindled when they see their spouse lusted by someone else.  Esther Perel's book, "Mating In Captivity" offers much guidance in this area. 

2.  Keep Your Agreements - The most damage done to relationships is when trust is diminished or destroyed.  It is better to not commit or promise something that you have no intention or ability to follow through with action.  At the end of the day, your integrity and your word are all you have.  If you blow that, you might could very well be spending many nights alone.  

3. Discuss "Monogamy" - There is a good reason I don't believe in the word "cheating."  Not only does it set up an oppositional victim/perpetrator dynamic in couples, but in most relationships there was never any discussion about monogamy to begin with.  And what, exactly, is "monogamy"?  Touching another person? Penetration? Condoms? Sexting? Skyping? Flirting?  Fantasizing? For every 100 people we could get 100 different boundaries around "monogamy."  If you don't discuss these perimeters with your primary partner, you are bound to experience a painful conversation after something has gone horribly wrong. 

4. No Serious Topics While Wasted - I can't tell you how many times couples have had birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays ruined by something stupid someone said while drunk.  If you are going to indulge in spirits, or any substances, then make an agreement ahead of time not to discuss certain emotional or sensitive topics.  There is a reason why it's against the law to drive while drunk or high — your judgment is impaired.  Same goes for communicating with a primary partner while stoned.   

5. Don't Snoop - Snooping only leads to pain, suffering, anger, frustration, and mistrust on both sides.  It has never resulted in two people experiencing deeper connection, intimacy, or trust.  Still, if you need more convincing, here's why snooping never works out in the snooper’s favor:
     - The snooper doesn’t find anything, and continues to live with a lingering fear that their partner is keeping something from them.
     - The snooper does find something confusing and is not sure what it means.  Then they must figure out whether to consult their findings with an outside friend or family member, who is now involved in the deception. 
     - The snooper does find something “incriminating” and has to decide what to do about it, which ultimately leaves them with three options:
      1. Say nothing and harbor fear and resentment.
      2. Again drag that innocent bystander into the violation.
      3. Say something and have their partner experience a sense of violation, betrayal, and inability to trust the snooper ever again. 
So what do you do when you want to know something?  Ask your partner.  If you don't trust your partner's word, then you are going to have much bigger problems ahead.

6.  Respect Different Values - You and your spouse are two different people who came from two different families, and most likely grew up in two different schools, in two different communities, possibly in two different parts of the world, with very different ideas of "good" or "bad."  Instead of trying to "change" the other, demonstrate respect for the differences.  That doesn't mean you have to agree with standards, practices, and rituals that are authentically different for you.  It does mean that your relationship will survive much longer when you are willing to say, "I respect your right to think differently from me."

7. Give Presents of Presence -  How often in public places do you see two people together, but having conversations with anyone else in the world except the person sitting across from them? What seems clear in the 21st Century is that the interest and skill to engage in a face-to-face conversation without a mechanical object buzzing, humming, ringing, or singing is fading.  It has become increasingly rare to find and maintain presence in a world that normalizes and validates distraction.  As presence becomes more of a scarcity in society, it is even more cherished in primary relationships.  By giving your partner undivided time and clear focus, you are giving him or her a gift unlike any other.  Remaining present in your relationship increases intimacy, understanding,  connection, and goes a long way to strengthen the compassion pillar.

8.  Communicate Effectively - Most people have no idea how to effectively communicate what they are thinking and feeling to another person.  The dearth of decent communication skills has done more to sustain therapist's vacation homes than anything else!  It doesn't have to be that hard to say what you mean.  My book, Rational Relating offers lots of simple tips and strategies to use your words wisely.  You can save a lot of money on the counselor's couch or divorce court by:
     - Eliminating the word "should" from your vocabulary.
     - Not starting questions with the word, "WHY?"
     - Not starting statements with the word, "You..."
     - Refraining from all-or-nothing qualifiers such as "nothing", "never," "always," "every."
     - No serious discussions by text/chat
Just implementing these changes can do a lot to promote trust and intimacy between you and your partner.  Change your communication, and you change your connection. 

 9.  End The Day With "Thank-Yous" - If you don't wish to harbor resentments from day to day, week to week, and year to year, then you will want to take an emotional scrub-brush to your brain, and release grievances toward the end of the day.  Clearly, there will be times this will be harder than others.  But if you and your partner conclude the night with a few authentic "thank-yous", I guarantee you will sleep better, and experience more gratitude and appreciation for your spouse.  This does not "solve" every problem, but it sure helps give you the clarity you'll need to resolve the problem.

These nine tips might feel like a lot of work.  But trust me, the more time and effort you spend in your relationship, the less money you'll spend on therapists and lawyers.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

Putting The "Quality" Back In Marriage Equality

It seems that everywhere you look there is someone talking about Marriage Equality.  From the U.S. Supreme Court to local churches, from Barack Obama to Brad Pitt, everyone has a point-of-view on how they prefer marriage to be acknowledged, validated, and celebrated.  Yet few seem interested in discussing the actual work, skills, and resilience involved in actually participating in a committed relationship.  It's like arguing for your right to buy a car, without bothering to learn how to drive. 

No matter how two people define "relationship," they all involve a certain degree of work, organization, focus, and commitment.  In my seventeen years of practicing therapy with couples and individuals, I have found these five secrets indispensable for those who seek to enjoy long term nourishing and loving relationships:

Creativity vs. Conformity: Couples who experience joy together are able to create a structure and framework that is uniquely right for them, as opposed to automatically conforming to what society says they "should" do.  For example, in the world at large it may be considered "wrong" or "selfish" for to have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse.  But what if both spouses make certain agreements about expressing desire for others over the course of a long-term relationship?  It is quite possible, and I would argue necessary, for couples who want to avoid resentments and "betrayals" to create arrangements that are specifically right for them.  This pertains to monogamy, as well as budgeting money, child rearing, or socializing with friends.  Any action or expression that impacts both parties can be handled by through loving and creative negotiation.

Communication vs Conclusion:  So often couples think they know each other well enough that they can conclude what the other person is thinking or feeling.  A partner might say, "I know my husband doesn't want to see that play so I'm not even going to ask him."  What gets lost here is the ability for two people to communicate, and again create, a solution that is right for both parties.  Even if it's true that your husband doesn't love theater, people do change, and he might still appreciate being asked.  It is so easy for us in a busy world to assume we know what our partners want and need.  These assumptions can often lead to missed opportunities, hurt feelings, and more resentments.  I encourage couples to respectfully communicate and ask questions even if you think you already know the answer.  Counseling can be a great way for couples to learn unique and effective ways to communicate thoughts, needs, desires, preferences, and goals.

Compassion vs. Condemnation: So what if you have a partner who doesn't share many of your interests?  What if you can't wait to get to City Hall to get married and he's expressing concerns or doubts?  What if you're wanting sex more often than him?  These areas can all be created and communicated utilizing compassion.  When you are compassionate, it does not mean you agree and go along everything your partner wants.  But it does mean you make a genuine effort to be empathic, that is, to see and feel things from their point of view.  Compassion is recognizing nobody wakes up saying, "I can't wait to be a jerk today."  We are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, and some days are easier than others.  The opposite of this is condemnation, which involves blaming your partner for how you feel, putting him or her down for having different perspectives or needs, and making him or her "wrong."  Condemnation results in anger, resentments, at times domestic violence, and mostly definitely plays a fundamental role in divorces and separations.  Couples counseling can be instrumental in helping couples shift from condemnation to compassion in their interactions.

Contribution vs. Control: In successful long-term relationships there is a sense of two people contributing toward a common goal, as opposed to one person making all the decisions and seeking to control the other.  This can become tricky in relationships where there is a significant difference in income, age, health, or other power imbalance.  However, even when circumstances contribute to power differentials, it is still possible, and necessary, for both members to feel they are contributing something vital and essential to the relationship.  This can be accomplished by using the previous three tools above (creation, communication, compassion), and figuring out areas where both can feel empowered.  If one person is the breadwinner, perhaps the other can bake the bread. Any opportunity for both members to feel they are giving to the one another, and contributing to the relationship as a whole, will increase their satisfaction, enjoyment, and sense of pride.

Connection vs. Completion: Unfortunately, many have been taught by pop culture and Hollywood films that a relationship is meant to "complete" them, or help them find their "missing soul mate."  This, in my personal and professional experience,  is one of the biggest misnomers and crimes ever perpetuated against long-term unions.  Not only is it impossible for someone to meet all your needs, but it is no one's responsibility to or ability to "make" you feel anything.  Every great philosopher, therapist, or relationship expert, from Epictetus to Dr. Albert Ellis to Tina Turner to Oprah Winfrey, has discussed the importance of taking responsibility for one's own growth and development.  Another person in a fulfilling relationship can promote and enhance that growth, but does not "make" it happen.  Partnerships thrive when they are based in the authentic and pure desire to connect with someone, not to hold them accountable for your "completion."

Good counseling can promote wellness, love, respect, and sustainability in all stages of couplehood.  To learn more, please do not hesitate to contact me Shouldless@gmail.com, or call 347-227-7707. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

Rising Above The "D.E.A.D.S." Of Valentine's Day

If there's one way to kill a great relationship, it's called, "Valentine's Day."  This so-called holiday exists for the sole purpose of reducing authentic love and affection into a quantifiable commodity, and to play off your worst fears about being 'alone' if you don't spend money.  And who are the greatest profiteers off the industry of emotional exploitation?  Look around.  The jewelry companies, candy companies, car companies, and just about anything you're seeing advertised right now.  All are invested in telling you how you "should" spend your savings in order to "win" the everlasting love of a desired partner.  That is, until next year, when you have to do it all over again.

There is an easier way to get through Valentine's Day with serenity, joy, and pleasure. People in Rational Relationships seek to create instead of conform.  That means they use communication, compassion, and responsibility in order to decide how love and affection is expressed every day of the year, not just when corporations tell them they "should."  They realize that real connections are measured by presence, not presents.

In order to survive Valentine's Day with your partner by your side, I suggest avoiding the rigid and inflexible "D.E.A.D.S." of any relationship:

Demands, Expectations, Attachments, Desires, Shoulds

At the same time, Valentine's Day can be an opportunity for couples to enjoy taking an open-minded and fun "D.I.P.", which stands for making:

Decisions, Intentions, Preferences

When people in Rational Relationships choose to live their lives making proactive decisions, mindful intentions, and flexible preferences, then they can then take action which allows for healthier choices, a wider range of actions, and long lasting changes.  It is through this approach that they can release rigid beliefs, and change them into happier, more flexible, and more gratifying experiences.  I know that this can seem very hard to do, but I assure you that from my own personal and professional experiences it is entirely possible to do!!

My new book Rational Relating offers an easy-to-follow framework for couples seeking to build and sustain a relationship based in authentic emotional and physical expression.  My private practice assists individuals and couples learn the long-held (and usually unconscious) thought patterns that result in anger, stress, depression, hopelessness, and suffering on Valentine's Day.  I have found unequivocally that when people challenge and alter certain beliefs they experience a sense of relief, calm, satisfaction, and empowerment.  It is through these changes that it is possible to have the genuinely romantic and rewarding connections every day of the year!

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable, relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances, please contact Damon at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

Let's Talk About "Real" Monogamy

Let's get real about monogamy. 

The average life expectancy is the U.S. as of today is 79.8 years.  It is likely, given medical and scientific advances, that it will go much higher.  If you are now in your 30s and married, or heading toward marriage, it is possible that you could be with the same person for 50 to 60 years.  Are you honestly able to say that you are never going to have sexual and/or emotional desire for another person for the rest of your life?

The notion of "monogamy" is held up in society as an esteemed and preferred value.  Yet it is doubtful if, or when, this practice was ever actually the norm.  It is estimated that over half of marriages end in divorce, and that more than half of married men and women would have an extra-martial affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught. 

Furthermore, technology has completely changed the way we look at relationships.  As recently as fifty year ago, romantic possibilities were primarily based on where you lived, where you worked, the proximal distance to a potential partner.  Today, anyone in the world with a wi-fi connection could be a potential partner.  Facebook, Twitter, Skype, and so many other social media sources have made bonding with others an experience that is not limited to the physical sphere. 

So what do we do with all this?  We begin with Integrity.  I help couples get very clear about their values, specifically related to monogamy, and work through the shame and fear that can become a barrier to being an honest with a spouse about sexual desire for others.  Furthermore, we put aside the moralistic and unrealistic cultural value of "monogamy" and replace it with the more empowered idea of "priority."  What does it mean to prioritize a primary partner?  How do we create negotiations around sexual and emotional outside of the relationship, while still expressing appreciation, love, and gratitude for a prioritized partner.

These questions are often not easily answered, and can require lots of time and patience.  They require each person to face fears, insecurities, and possible jealousies.  But I have found that when couples do ask these questions in a calm emotional state, and create negotiations and agreements from a loving and rational stance, that they are able to maintain their relationship "pillars" in a way that enhances the quality and quantity of their connection. 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable, relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances, please contact Damon at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

Your Relationship Home

In the two decades that I have been studying and practicing couples therapy, I have begun to visualize every relationship as an individual structure, each with its own unique blueprint, complex layout, and intended purpose. And just like any building structure or home, every relationship has pillars that it depends on to remain solid and standing. If the pillars are strong, then the home is safe, secure, and less vulnerable to internal and external threats. But if the pillars are weakened, the structure itself is dangerously at risk of collapsing.

In Rational Relating, there are five pillars that sustain and maintain the strength of a relationship in the long run.  They are:

Integrity - Having your actions consistently match your stated values, instead of saying one thing and doing another.
Communication - Practicing the art and skill of effectively expressing your thoughts and feelings.  
Compassion - Seeking to acknowledge and appreciate your partner, while minimizing possibilities of doing intentional harm.
Responsibility - Accepting that you are in charge of your primary thoughts, feelings, and sense of worth, not your partner.
Compromise - Process of releasing personal gain for the greater good of the relationship.
 
My job as a couple’s therapist is to teach and assist in strengthening and reinforcing their relationship’s pillars. By doing this, they can maintain a satisfying and fulfilling structure that is able to withstand stressors and traumas that can potentially weaken and damage the unit for a longer period of time. I help couples learn how to survive the big and little “quakes” that threaten the emotional structure.

In this framework, couples are neither “healthy” nor “dysfunctional.” They are neither “good” nor “bad.” They simply have pillars, unique to the two people involved, that are strong, or pillars that need reinforcing.  And like any reliable building, all pillars need reinforcing over time.


Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable, relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances, please contact Damon at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

What I Learned From Earthquakes

I began seeing couples as a marriage family therapist intern in California in 1996. To be honest, I dreaded them at first. It seemed that most people waited until the last minute to come to therapy to resolve their issues. So often I saw relationships dissipate under the pressure of frustrations and resentments that had been built up for years.

I always pondered this. People don’t call the fire department after the house has become engulfed in flames.  Why do they wait to see a therapist until the minute before the relationship is over? I aspired to find a way to help couples get help before the crisis that leads to the relationship 911 call.

Living in California lends itself to a certain degree of uncertainty and instability. The ground may literally shift beneath your feet at any given moment, putting a great deal of strain on building structures. I was living in the Bay Area during the destructive Loma Prieta earthquake in 1989, and saw firsthand what became of buildings that had a brick foundation with very limited range of flexibility or movement. Those were the first to collapse under pressure because they simply had no ability to withstand the trauma of the shifting ground below.

However, most of the newer buildings did withstand the shock. They were built to be able to endure and survive the stress of a major earthquake and its subsequent aftershocks. Many had damage, but because they could shift and move with the earth, they were better able to remain standing, as they still are today.

It occurred to me that relationships operate in very much the same way. The unions that are built on weak foundations, with limited or no ability to withstand stress and trauma, are the ones that collapse. Similarly, the bonds that are initially built on solid ground, with the flexibility to shift, change, and adjust, are the strongest and most resilient.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable, relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances, please contact Damon at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com