How To Cope With Uncertain Loss

The twenty-first century offers an unprecedented quantity of accessible and consumable information.  Online websites and cable news channels allow anyone with a wi-fi connection to get immediate and up-to-date details about breaking stories.  But how do we know when this is too much a “good thing?”  And how can you take care of yourself and your family when real-life catastrophic events are happening on your screen?  

These are some of the questions that many of my clients are asking since the vanishing of Malaysia Airline Flight MH370 began to be reported several days ago. If one spends an inordinate amount of time focusing on this mystery of this disappearance, they are likely to experience symptoms that are commonly associated with anxiety disorders.  These symptoms may include disruption in sleep, decrease in focus, increase in appetite, reminders of a previous trauma in one’s own history, and even a sense of heightened fear in their reactions to everyday occurrences.

There are effective ways to cope with the unknown that allow for more serenity, calm, and peace.  The four ways I have helped clients face an unknown consequence with reduced worry and fear are these:

1. Don’t overly obsess on the event.  It is so easy to lose hours looking at websites, watching news, and reading article after article about the bizarre nature of this event.  Give yourself time limits for information-gathering, and then stick to them!  The actual information about the plane itself is so minimal at the time of the writing, that you need not waste time focusing on the “maybes.”  Instead, refocus your attention on spending time with family, calling a loved one, or reading a good book.

2. Stay rational about risk.  Learning about an air flight gone wrong can induce one with a sense of fear, hopelessness, and loss of control. Reminders of terrorism can provoke past experiences of trauma related to 9/11, or violent occurrences in one’s own personal life.  At these times I encourage people to stay realistic about risk.   It is statistically unusual for one to be harmed by flying.  You are still more likely to get struck by lightening in the United States than harmed by a terrorist.  Every day life means calculating an uncertain amount of risk, and most people do pretty well by taking reasonable precautions.  Don’t allow an exceptional event to overwhelm you with a normalized sense of dread.

3. Use your concern in a positive way.   There is absolutely nothing you can do about the missing Malaysia Airlines flight.  But there is a lot you can do in your own family and community to help.  If you are upset or frightened by the disappearance of MH370, try volunteering for a service organization in your area.  If you don’t have time for that, then at least hold the door open for someone, or give up a seat on the bus.  Transfer your fear about what might have happened overseas into something that helps someone locally.

4. Cherish the gift of life.  Tragic events on the news can be a cruel reminder that life can end at any time.  But that, in and of itself does not have to be a downer.  In fact, facing the reality of impermanence can fuel a sense of meaning in every given moment you spend with your friends and family. It can also remind you how much there is to be grateful for in every minute.  Time is not to be wasted on petty disputes and shallow grievances.  Every minute of every day counts;  it’s up to you to decide how you want to invest your precious time.  

By keeping these four ideas in mind, you will be able to watch the news cautiously, while taking action effectively.  Doing so will help you to feel empowered, strong, and centered during these confusing and uncertain times.  

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com

Whose Oscar Speech Is It Anyway?

Since when are Hollywood actors expected to speak on behalf of oppressed groups?  By what standards is someone's commitment to helping other measured?  And whose responsibility is it to stand up for important social issues?

These are some of the issues that are currently being debated back and forth, in light of Matthew McConaughey's speech at last night's Academy Award ceremony.  Upon winning the award for Best Actor for Dallas Buyers Club, McConaughey thanked "all 6000 members of The Academy," the film's cast and crew, his mother, his wife, his kids, his late father, himself in ten years, as well as God. He pretty much expressed gratitude to everyone and everything except for the people with HIV/AIDS portrayed in the film, and people living with HIV today who are still struggling.

Many are subsequently taking umbrage at this omission, referring to McConaughey as vain, selfish, narcissistic, and "disgusting."  They believe McConaughey "should" have thanked Ron Woodroof, whose life the film is based upon, or at least said the word "AIDS" in his acceptance speech.  There is a general feeling that McConaughey "owes" the activist community this debt of appreciation, because he had the audacity to deliver a first-rate performance of a real-life hero struggling with AIDS.

What I look for in Oscar speeches, as well as in any public statement, is authenticity.  Is the person speaking being true to themselves?  Do they have integrity? Are they saying one thing while meaning another?  Do they claim to care for a group of people for whom they have no interest whatsoever?

This was indeed the case twenty years ago when many Hollywood celebrities were "encouraged" (i.e, expected) to wear red ribbons to demonstrate support for people living with HIV/AIDS.  This false sense of humanity led many actors on stages to make shallow statements of caring, hollow gestures of concern, insincere proclamations of compassion.  

One could certainly assert that a false sense of concern in front of 45 million people is better than no concern at all.  But I, for one, found the practice to be lacking in integrity, and proudly wore my ACT-UP T-Shirt proclaiming, "Red Ribbons Are For Gift Wrapping" to protest such fallacious ideals.  I'd still rather deal with an authentic bigot than a contrary liberal any day.

Keep in mind that for many public figures, social justice is, and always has been, an authentic commitment.  Certainly Elizabeth Taylor was a beacon at trumpeting HIV/AIDS services, and this was an integral thread of her public and private work in the last three decades of her life.  Susan Sarandon, Judith Light, Richard Gere, and yes, Alec Baldwin, are only a few examples of people who have consistently and authentically dedicated parts of their life to political action.  Given an opportunity to make a public speech, they will often use it to lend support and attention to their cause.

It would have been nice to add Matthew McConaughey to that list.  It is disappointing to me that he did not use one second of his three minute acceptance speech to say the words "AIDS."  But McConaughey's indifference has nothing to do with my commitment.  I have been working in HIV prevention/ education in one form or another for the past 22 years.  Having a celebrity's endorsement has nothing to do with the work that is important and meaningful to me.  It won't stop me from actively talking about PrEP, TasP, and continuing to help people understand how to enrich emotional and sexual intimacy responsibly.

Instead of crucifying McConaughey for expressing his authentic self, why not use this as an opportunity to decide how you want to communicate your concerns?  If you think HIV/AIDS rights need more attention, then you give it attention.  Write about it in social media, talk to your friends about PrEP, donate money to a cause, be the change you want to see in the world.

Focusing narrowly on the limitations of others does not change the world.  Openly sharing your values, commitments, and then taking action based on those values and commitments, does change the world.  What if we started from there, and allowed award-winning gumbo-loving actors to take care of their themselves?

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com