It has been quite a summer! For those who don't know, I have been working/volunteering in HIV Prevention for most of the past 23 years. But not until this summer have I seen such global interest in this subject, with the focus on a prevention strategy called "PrEP" (pre-exposure prophylaxis). This is a daily medication that has been shown to prevent HIV by up to 99% if used consistently. Yet many oppose this option, and most still don't know about it. I've had the opportunity to take part in some very interesting, and often heated, forums about this method:
So what does this have to do with relationships? Quite a bit. It is now understood that most new HIV infections in the U.S. occur in the context of a "main" relationship with a presumed HIV negative partner, who is usually unaware of their own HIV status. One of the primary themes in my book "Rational Relating" is examining how shame prevents honesty and integrity in relationships. When people are too ashamed to communicate openly about their sexual activities with different partners, that is when HIV and other STI's are more likely to be transmitted. But when people learn to relate to their own desires with compassion and responsibility, it allows for partners to create sexual negotiations and compromises that can serve their relationship, and reduce adverse consequences.
My therapy work focuses on helping individuals and couples create and maintain the relationship "structure" that works best for them. For some, that includes arrangements for sexual and emotional expression with multiple partners. For others, it means focusing on exclusivity. For all, it involves reducing the shame and fear that restrains honesty and integrity in relationships, so they can experience enhanced joy, intimacy, and pleasure with others.
Damon
L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who
has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful,
and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.”
His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for
living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about
counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact
him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com
Billions of people are walking around on this Earth, trying to connect with others and build meaningful and satisfying bonds. Yet for so many, there is something getting in the way of this wonderful experience. Relationship expert, author and speaker Damon L. Jacobs (LMFT) hosts “Rational Relating with Damon L. Jacobs: How to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love,” using the principles from his recently published book of the same name—along with his signature wit and charm—to address this issue.
On Saturday, June 14th at 4pm, Damon is returning to his "home-base" in the Mission District of San Francisco, to discuss ways of enhancing communication, pleasure, and intimacy in primary and multiple relationships. The event will be held at Alley Cat Books, 3036 24th Street, San Francisco.
Participants will learn - The 5 essential "pillars" to maintain joy and pleasure in relationships - How the myth of "cheating" damages unity (while increasing therapists' bank accounts) - Tools to enhance the presents of presence - Steps to manage jealousy and fear - How pre-exposure prophylaxis ("PrEP") is changing possibilities in relationships
Billions of people are walking around on this Earth,
trying to connect with others and build meaningful and satisfying bonds.
Yet for so many, there is something getting in the way of this
wonderful experience. Relationship expert, author and speaker Damon L.
Jacobs (LMFT) hosts “Rational Relating with Damon L. Jacobs:
How to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love,” using the principles from
his recently published book of the same name—along with his signature
wit and charm—to address this issue.
On Wednesday, May 28 at
6pm, “Rational Relating” guides attendees through the simple,
step-by-step process of creating and sustaining a relationship
structure that serves to enhance love, serenity and pleasure, while
minimizing stress, resentment and fear in relationships.
Participants will learn - The 5 essential "pillars" to maintain joy and pleasure in relationships - Why the myth of "cheating" destroys relationships - The Scoop on Snooping - Tools to enhance the presents of presence - How to recognize when it's time to break-up
This free event takes place in Studio 4 of the Manhattan Theatre Club's
Creative Center (311 W 43rd St). Space is limited, PLEASE RSVP to
Damon@DamonLJacobs.com
In my previous post, I began to outline forgiveness from a Rational Relating perspective. I discussed how it is a decision, not necessarily an action, that can enhance a connection with others. The consequences of not forgiving can lead to resentments, anger, stress, and ultimately the destruction of a relationship.
“But how do I do this,” I often hear. “That person really hurt me in ways I can’t get over.” Forgiveness is not about getting over anything. It is about getting through the pain and betrayal. Here are tips for beginning the process:
1. Recognize the person who hurt you was reacting to some form of fear or pain of their own.
2. Understand that most people react to fear and pain by hurting others, intentionally or unintentionally.
3. Forgive your own participation in the hurtful event, no matter how big or small.
4. Choose to be a catalyst for ending the cycle of fear and pain by not striking back at the person, or intentionally hurting anyone else.
5. Accept that your pain is not going to go away immediately. But when you forgive you start to create a possibility for pain to be transformed into strength and resilience.
6. Remember, forgiveness is a decision, not an action. You may decide to forgive your partner and still choose to leave the relationship. Or you may forgive your partner and choose to work it through. Either way your peace and joy are your responsibility, and your decision.
It is challenging, but not impossible, to regain trust and safety after one person has hurt another person in a relationship. My book, “Rational Relating: The Smart Way To Stay Sane In The Crazy World Of Love” offers a framework that couples can easily follow to increase serenity and satisfaction. It is based on nearly two decades of work with couples who have survived pain and harm with their spouse or partner. Forgiving is a crucial step toward anyone trusting themselves ever again, and experiencing deeper intimacy with another.
Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com
Without a clear and rational approach to forgiveness, a
relationship “structure” can remain weakened and vulnerable. How can
you move forward in a relationship after your partner said or did
something hurtful to you? Is it possible, or even worth it, to trust
your partner again?
Let’s begin by clearly stating what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not an agreement that the other person’s action is
acceptable. It is not indicating that there is approval of one’s
decisions, or that the violation will be forgotten. It is not
expressing that trust will automatically rebuild, and it is not a
validation that it is okay for that person to do the same thing again.
What forgiveness does is restore you as the authority of your
affective (emotional) experience. It allows you to resume full responsibility for
how you perceive your partner’s behaviors and your reactions. In short,
it is your key to empowerment by reclaiming your feelings, moods, and
perceptions.
When
you approach forgiveness, you simply look at your partner’s actions
through the lens of, “He was doing the best he could at the time with
the tools he was given.” If he acted outside of his integrity, then you
recognize the role that fear played in driving his behavior. If he
acted with integrity, then try to understand what values led to his
decision (even if you don’t agree with them).
Forgiveness is first and foremost a decision rather than an
action. It is a confirmation that all humans, including yourself, are
capable of making mistakes. It is a choice of recognizing that most
people in this culture are taught to act and react from fear, and that
cruelty and insensitivity are oftentimes a direct byproduct of that
fear. If you wish to be a catalyst for change, and live in a world with
less fear, cruelty, and insensitivity, then it is up to you to stop
perpetuating these practices and stop reacting to them in your
interpersonal relationships.
This may or may not mean that you do
something about it. There are situations where the person you are
forgiving might be dead, unavailable, or unsafe. You still can make the
decision of forgiveness, with or without the other person’s
involvement.
Letting go of resentments is tough. Sometimes it can help to work through these concerns with a trusted therapist, friend, or spiritual teacher. My book, "Rational Relating: The Smart Way to Stay Sane In the Crazy World Of Love" was written to help people experience connection and empowerment in their primary relationships. Feel free to email me with any questions at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com
Damon
L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who
has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful,
and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped
thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and
fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking
engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com
The
twenty-first century offers an unprecedented quantity of accessible and
consumable information. Online websites and cable news channels allow
anyone with a wi-fi connection to get immediate and up-to-date details
about breaking stories. But how do we know when this is too much a
“good thing?” And how can you take care of yourself and your family
when real-life catastrophic events are happening on your screen?
These
are some of the questions that many of my clients are asking since the
vanishing of Malaysia Airline Flight MH370 began to be reported several
days ago. If one spends an inordinate amount of time focusing on this
mystery of this disappearance, they are likely to experience symptoms
that are commonly associated with anxiety disorders. These symptoms may
include disruption in sleep, decrease in focus, increase in appetite,
reminders of a previous trauma in one’s own history, and even a sense of
heightened fear in their reactions to everyday occurrences.
There
are effective ways to cope with the unknown that allow for more
serenity, calm, and peace. The four ways I have helped clients face an
unknown consequence with reduced worry and fear are these:
1. Don’t overly obsess on the event. It
is so easy to lose hours looking at websites, watching news, and
reading article after article about the bizarre nature of this event.
Give yourself time limits for information-gathering, and then stick to
them! The actual information about the plane itself is so minimal at
the time of the writing, that you need not waste time focusing on the
“maybes.” Instead, refocus your attention on spending time with family,
calling a loved one, or reading a good book.
2. Stay rational about risk.
Learning about an air flight gone wrong can induce one with a sense of
fear, hopelessness, and loss of control. Reminders of terrorism can
provoke past experiences of trauma related to 9/11, or violent
occurrences in one’s own personal life. At these times I encourage
people to stay realistic about risk. It is statistically unusual for
one to be harmed by flying. You are still more likely to get struck by
lightening in the United States than harmed by a terrorist. Every day
life means calculating an uncertain amount of risk, and most people do
pretty well by taking reasonable precautions. Don’t allow an
exceptional event to overwhelm you with a normalized sense of dread.
3. Use your concern in a positive way. There
is absolutely nothing you can do about the missing Malaysia Airlines
flight. But there is a lot you can do in your own family and community
to help. If you are upset or frightened by the disappearance of MH370,
try volunteering for a service organization in your area. If you don’t
have time for that, then at least hold the door open for someone, or
give up a seat on the bus. Transfer your fear about what might have
happened overseas into something that helps someone locally.
4. Cherish the gift of life.
Tragic events on the news can be a cruel reminder that life can end at
any time. But that, in and of itself does not have to be a downer. In
fact, facing the reality of impermanence can fuel a sense of meaning in
every given moment you spend with your friends and family. It can also
remind you how much there is to be grateful for in every minute. Time
is not to be wasted on petty disputes and shallow grievances. Every
minute of every day counts; it’s up to you to decide how you want to
invest your precious time.
By
keeping these four ideas in mind, you will be able to watch the news
cautiously, while taking action effectively. Doing so will help you to
feel empowered, strong, and centered during these confusing and
uncertain times.
Damon
L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who
has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful,
and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped
thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and
fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking
engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com
Since when are Hollywood actors expected to speak on behalf of oppressed groups? By what standards is someone's commitment to helping other measured? And whose responsibility is it to stand up for important social issues?
These are some of the issues that are currently being debated back and forth, in light of Matthew McConaughey's speech at last night's Academy Award ceremony. Upon winning the award for Best Actor for Dallas Buyers Club, McConaughey thanked "all 6000 members of The Academy," the film's cast and crew, his mother, his wife, his kids, his late father, himself in ten years, as well as God. He pretty much expressed gratitude to everyone and everything except for the people with HIV/AIDS portrayed in the film, and people living with HIV today who are still struggling.
Many are subsequently taking umbrage at this omission, referring to McConaughey as vain, selfish, narcissistic, and "disgusting." They believe McConaughey "should" have thanked Ron Woodroof, whose life the film is based upon, or at least said the word "AIDS" in his acceptance speech. There is a general feeling that McConaughey "owes" the activist community this debt of appreciation, because he had the audacity to deliver a first-rate performance of a real-life hero struggling with AIDS.
What I look for in Oscar speeches, as well as in any public statement, is authenticity. Is the person speaking being true to themselves? Do they have integrity? Are they saying one thing while meaning another? Do they claim to care for a group of people for whom they have no interest whatsoever?
This was indeed the case twenty years ago when many Hollywood celebrities were "encouraged" (i.e, expected) to wear red ribbons to demonstrate support for people living with HIV/AIDS. This false sense of humanity led many actors on stages to make shallow statements of caring, hollow gestures of concern, insincere proclamations of compassion.
One could certainly assert that a false sense of concern in front of 45 million people is better than no concern at all. But I, for one, found the practice to be lacking in integrity, and proudly wore my ACT-UP T-Shirt proclaiming, "Red Ribbons Are For Gift Wrapping" to protest such fallacious ideals. I'd still rather deal with an authentic bigot than a contrary liberal any day.
Keep in mind that for many public figures, social justice is, and always has been, an authentic commitment. Certainly Elizabeth Taylor was a beacon at trumpeting HIV/AIDS services, and this was an integral thread of her public and private work in the last three decades of her life. Susan Sarandon, Judith Light, Richard Gere, and yes, Alec Baldwin, are only a few examples of people who have consistently and authentically dedicated parts of their life to political action. Given an opportunity to make a public speech, they will often use it to lend support and attention to their cause.
It would have been nice to add Matthew McConaughey to that list. It is disappointing to me that he did not use one second of his three minute acceptance speech to say the words "AIDS." But McConaughey's indifference has nothing to do with my commitment. I have been working in HIV prevention/ education in one form or another for the past 22 years. Having a celebrity's endorsement has nothing to do with the work that is important and meaningful to me. It won't stop me from actively talking about PrEP,TasP, and continuing to help people understand how to enrich emotional and sexual intimacy responsibly.
Instead of crucifying McConaughey for expressing his authentic self, why not use this as an opportunity to decide how you want to communicate your concerns? If you think HIV/AIDS rights need more attention, then you give it attention. Write about it in social media, talk to your friends about PrEP, donate money to a cause, be the change you want to see in the world.
Focusing narrowly on the limitations of others does not change the world. Openly sharing your values, commitments, and then taking action based on those values and commitments, does change the world. What if we started from there, and allowed award-winning gumbo-loving actors to take care of their themselves?
Damon
L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who
has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful,
and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped
thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and
fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking
engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com
