Leave Alec Baldwin Alone!

When is an essay an authentic personal expression and when is it arrogant masturbatory narcissism?  The answer, of course, is completely subjective, and primarily determined by how you choose to read it.  One of my favorite lines in A Course In Miracles is, "Projection makes perception," meaning that your judgment about others will be filtered by what you love or fear in yourself.  The response to Alec Baldwin's eloquent and rhapsodic essay on Vulture.com is a prolific example of how projection makes perception, and how people will judge him by whatever they disdain or adore in themselves. 

I, for one, find Mr. Baldwin's statements to be ballsy, brave, and the quintessential essence of the New York attitude that I find so stimulating, and from which he sadly finds himself removed.  Many on social media are perceiving him as spoiled, entitled, and whiny.  I see him as an inspiration who deserves to be left alone, and enjoy some well-earned peace.  So for those who are angered or annoyed with his online rantings, here is why I maintain Alec Baldwin is still kick-ass cool:

1.  He calls it like he sees it.   One of the things I find so refreshing about New York, compared to living in California, is how direct and clear people can be.  Instead of smiling at you and then stabbing you in the back, people in New York are more likely to say things directly to your face.  It can make for some awkward moments, but New York is a better place because of the diversity of vernaculars, attitudes, expressions, and reactions.  Baldwin's unpopular verbiage is part of a larger cultural context of New Yorkers who sometimes speak first, apologize later.  I, for one, don't want to see that leave. 

2. His actions speak louder than words.  Okay, so he doesn't use the exact "language" that people find appropriate.   But people who use "politically correct" language are equally capable of exacting hatred and vitriol against minority groups.  What I look for is someone's actions to tell me the kind of person they are.  And Baldwin's history of donating millions of dollars to HIV organizations, animal-rights groups, homeless organizations, and New York theater arts programs, tell me a lot more about a person's integrity than a "toxic little queen" slip. 

3. He protects his family.  Every one of his outbursts in recent years have been in the context of his wife and/or child being threatened and endangered by media encroaching in their personal space.  Baldwin knows he's not perfect, he knows he's not always clean.  But he does love his family and will rise to the role of defensive Papa Bear any time someone messes with them.  That, in and of itself, makes him cool.

4. He has vague spiritual breakthroughs.  When Baldwin writes, "This is happening for a reason," it suggests he's on the cusp of a greater understanding of the laws of cause and effect.  The fundamental premise in this model is that outer events and patterns reflects what we think and believe in our minds.  If you are continually getting into fights, arguments, and provocations with others, than you are playing an active role in co-creating those events.  The uncomfortable "shift" Baldwin describes is often the breakthrough people have prior to taking full responsibility for their lives and then experiencing greater levels of serenity and happiness.

5. He seeks to express appreciation and positivity.  In a world where "entertainment" and "reality" are continuously becoming blurred, Baldwin sought to do an MSNBC show that focused on resiliency, intelligence, and "appreciation."  He wanted to interview Debra Winger!  For those too young to remember, Winger is the eternal symbol of the quintessential 1980s Hollywood "fuckable" star, who was completely dismissed from viable film roles after turning forty.  For Baldwin to call upon Winger for an interview means he is interested in bucking the system, examining Hollywood misogyny in a critical light, and spotlighting resilience and wasted talent.  It would have been easier for him to just agree to interview the Rob Lowes of the world, but he fought for Winger instead.  And lost.

I'm not saying that Alec Baldwin is some kind of saint that we are all going to pedestalize.  I just think that our society benefits from these untethered and authentic expressions.  They are becoming increasingly uncommon in a media that prefers cutesy soundbites to intelligent thoughts.  And they give us an opportunity to gain a greater depth of understanding of ourselves, based on what we project onto outspoken individuals.  For that I'm grateful to Baldwin, and hope his absence is as permanent as one of Cher's Farewell Tours.

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com 

Blurred Lines: How To Keep Your Marriage On Track

When couples separate, it inevitably sends onlookers into a speculative frenzy.  "Why is this happening," they wonder, as they re-examine all the public photos looking for clues that something sinister was amiss.  In the case of celebrity marriages, people are particularly likely to "blur lines" and engage in looking back at the relationship to find early signs of failure, cracks in the foundation, and glimpses of doom.

Such is the case today with the announcement of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton separating after nine years of marriage.  The news has spread like wildfire, and already social media is lit up with ideas, theories, and speculations for why this is happening.  Instead of playing detective to find out if someone "cheated," you can use this example to gain insight as to how to make your own relationship structure stronger.  In two decades of working with couples I have found these five "pillars" to be fundamental in maintaining any relationship:

Integrity - Do you actions reflect your stated values?  In the case of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, a lot has changed since they married in 2005.  "Blurred Lines" became the top selling song of 2013,  and with that level of popularity and attention often comes a shift in lifestyle and priorities.  If your values toward monogamy, money, or child rearing change, but you fail to communicate those changes with a partner, then it can lead to violation of integrity, and a destruction of trust.

Communication - Are you effectively sharing your thoughts, feelings, beliefs with your primary partner in a way that he or she can understand?  Changes in lifestyle and priorities do not have to decimate trust if those changes are communicated effectively.  But if someone thinks, "I shouldn't have to tell my spouse what I'm feeling," or, "I'm scared of telling my spouse my values are changing," then they are setting up the relationship wrecking ball.

Compassion - Can you acknowledge humanity in your spouse, and then do no intentional harm toward them?  Breaking agreements in relationships is a direct way to inflict pain on another person, and can often result in long-term couples choosing to split.  Part of compassion means that you have moments of presence - i.e., focused, non-distracted time-frames where work, phones, TVs, and computers are shut off.  When a couple stops acting with compassion and gratitude toward one another, they create more possibility for distance, alienation, and separation.

Responsibility - Are you taking responsibility for your emotional wellness?  Or do you blame others when you are angry or upset?  It is considered natural in our culture to assign blame every time someone experiences emotional pain.  However, each and every one of us is 100% responsible for our own affective experience.  You may choose to assume that responsibility by not staying with a partner who demonstrates a lack of integrity, communication, and compassion.  But even then, you are still the one in control.  When people blame their spouse for "making" them feel something, it leads to resentment, strife, tension, and ultimately into the bank accounts of couple therapists and divorce lawyers. 

Compromise - Do you and your spouse create agreements and negotiations that are balanced, creative, humane, and ultimately advantageous?  The art and skill of compromise is a rare talent in this culture, and sadly seems to becoming more scarce.  We've seen the failure of negotiations in Politics worldwide, and we the same holds true in marriages.  If two people are not able or willing to compromise with integrity, communication, compassion, and responsibility, then the relationship will ultimately crumble under stress.  My book, "Rational Relating" offers an easy-to-follow framework for creating loving and lasting compromises. 

These five "pillars," all need reinforcing over time in any stable relationship.  When couples neglect these tools it often leads to changes in the relationship, and a separation after nine years of marriage.  You can look at Robin Thicke and Paula Patton and think, "How did this happen to them"? Or, you can learn from this couple and consider, "How can I prevent this from happening to us"? 

Damon L. Jacobs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York who has helped hundreds of couples and individuals create joyful, peaceful, and pleasurable relationships. He is the author of the books, “Rational Relating” and “Absolutely Should-less.” His trainings have helped thousands to learn practical skills for living an empowered and fulfilling life. To speak with Damon about counseling, speaking engagements, or media appearances - please contact him at Damon@DamonLJacobs.com, call 347-227-7707, or visit www.DamonLJacobs.com